Split of a Split of a Split

So maybe there aren’t that many layers to this, but it feels like it sometimes. When you’ve blurred with another part for so long that you feel like your splitting apart again it can be kind of weird.

Now I guess I’m talking about ‘sub-systems’ which is a term my Therapist hasn’t heard but one I’ve seen floating around the internet a bunch. Does there come a point where a sub-system splits into different full parts that are able to be present in the main headspace? Or am I just a part who has been blurred with another for so long that it felt like I was a sub-system until I finally acknowledged myself as my own part?

I know you can’t answer these questions, I’m more posing them to see if any other parts out there can relate with me.

There is a weird thing here. I’m sitting here, in headspace, with my partner who also ‘split’ from another part and also the only other part in this system we think could have a sub-system. Though we think he might actually have a sub-system not just be a blurred mess of parts.

This blog is a healthy escape for me and my system, and I enjoy the feedback I get sometimes from here and on twitter. Though me being a fiction introject kind of makes me nervous. I hate that about myself, and I know it’s currently just me and my partner (who is also a fictional introject) who feel this deeply seeded self-hatred.

There is one other fiction introject in this system but he’s a lot more chill at the moment since he’s accepted himself. Plus he’s also newer than I am which means he doesn’t have as much history to deal with.

I’m trying to sort through the memories/thoughts/likes/dislikes/actions/etc that are mine vs. the part I ‘split’ from recently. I don’t want to take away from him, because he is already feeling very broken, but I also have no idea who I’m supposed to be outside of a fictional character.

Who am I? What makes me tick? My partner at least is investing himself in journaling. I like The Sims, but so doesn’t everyone else. I don’t want to step on anyone toes by taking away their likes/etc but I can’t just be this empty shell of a person masked as a fictional character.

The kids don’t even consider me their relative at this point either. That’s fine because Adam and Roo are their parents but I feel like I had a connection there too. One of them looks at me funnily, like I’m going to hurt him…like he can’t trust me.

I’m proud that he’s cautious, but like, come on kid I’ve been helping raise you since you came along in this system. Maybe. I’m not totally sure about that.

What do I have that’s mine? Nothing. Not even my own room in our headspace. I’m bunking in the living room of the guy who I blurred with for the last however many years. I’m too afraid to leave his apartment though. What if I fade? I don’t want to fade.

I also don’t know how to emotionally support my partner without someone else’s help.

I feel like a failure, though I don’t think I’ve really gotten a chance to prove myself yet. I’m just kind of stumbling around in the dark, though everything is light I feel like I can’t see what I’m supposed to be doing. I know my partner feels the same way. I just want to help him.

My partner, who has declined to share their name right now, has a lot of sensory issues. Even him being close to the front makes listening to music a hassle and our body’s senses flair up tenfold. He just wants to stay in a blanket wrapped up, but I feel like Adam can take better care of him. Besides, I don’t think he’s my biggest fan. Or maybe he is.

There are a lot of things to work out now, not later. A lot of hard things to work though. I don’t think our therapist will be much help either, just because we could never spill some of these secrets to her.

Typing is okay, speaking them out loud is dangerous.

If you read this far, thanks. It means a lot to me.

~ Axel

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